Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Feeling at Peace

Somehow, somewhere, some why, I'm feeling at peace. Many people have known me to be often hyper, often a bit distracted, and often deeply affected by swaying feelings and sentiments. I can be frazzled, toss and turn all night, you name it. For those of you who've read my more personal posts, I would think this comes across... just a bit? So, what a relief, and what a pleasure, to be well, calm, and coping.

Why? Who only knows. My kids are doing well, that's a blessing. Even as they shift and change, I can see where we've a clear understanding, where I've earned their respect and that they are sure of me. We have our rhythms, and into these we three welcome others. It works.

But I am also in a clearly more accepting state of mind. I've put aside my frustrations of last year, my sense of schizophrenia, my efforts to find a way to blend together my weekend life and my week life, i.e. my life with the vintner and my life with my children. The root causes that so disturbed me are still there: I live two lives, I'm alone raising my kids, and though he says he likes children in general, he doesn't much care for mine. These are all serious issues that are still present. And yet, for the moment, I'm able to simply enjoy what is good -- someone is tender, gentle, present and attentive to me over my weekends; my kids and I are doing well under my roof -- and temporarily let be what so upset me last year. There is a clear sense that what I'm living is ephemeral. But it has its virtues. It is pretty clear that the day I take it upon myself to choose more in my life--joint projects, finding someone who will love my children as well as me--I'll be free to do so. My vintner is a very lovely individual, and very good to me, but no, he'll never be a foster parent to my kids, nor is there truly space in his world for there to be an us that goes forth as a unit to create and build.

It's been a very intense few years. Not only in the area of sentiment and relationships, but also financially. I feel that there must be a parallel universe out there where my father left me an inheritance, and/or another one where the b&b sold easily. Somehow, two major events have converged to leave me rather short of funds, that might have, in all justice, been expected and considered reasonably mine to help me on my way in this life. But no. It was not to be. My karma is to make it on my own, at least for now. It's almost absurdly amusing and contrary. But if this is the way of it, I shall most definitely make the best of my particular hand of cards (and mix metaphors by the minute!).

I've received an extra nudge to be careful about resources, to conserve energy, to cook and bake from scratch for the kids, to explore a kitchen garden, to limit my time in the car, and to convey these values to my boys. Not such a bad thing, eh? As I keep telling myself: I've still got my house, and my banker has yet to make a personal phone call with bad news. So, by all means, let's look on the bright side. And bright it is. We are all in good health, my car hasn't broken down (touch wood), and I've managed to find odd jobs here and there so far to keep me afloat. It could be so very much worse.

Thank you Universe for this gift of peace, for moments of calm, and for nourishing friendships, opening doors and new perspectives.


nathalie in avignon said...

Nice to see you in this state of mind, Madeleine. You're so right to take it as a blessing. Take care.

Gillian said...

These moments of peace are a blessing to be 'banked' in our psyche and soul, to be drawn from on those other moments of stress, doubt and depression where everything just seems overwhelming. Then, we can remember that things change and we can overcome, move on, and experience joy once more. We are always growing...
I'm glad you're feeling strong right now, it seems you've been working hard to lay the foundations for this deserved peaceful reflection.

Madeleine Vedel said...

thank you Nathalie and Gillian. It is soothing to be calm -- though I occasionally feel a bit disoriented. Frantic is such a more normal state of mind for me... will I get used to this?

Nathalie said...

Merci pour l'invitation à la barthelasse. C'est une bonne idée mais je n'ai pas de vélo, il faudrait que je m'inscrive à Vélopop pour en prendre un. Mais surtout, malgré le beau temps, il faut que je bosse. C'est difficile de se discipliner quand on travaille chez soi mais j'ai plein de dossiers clients à gérer (et besoin d'argent) alors le boulot d'abord. Dommage !