Though I'm physically weary from a day of wine tasting in Châteauneuf-du-Pape, I'm still in a good space.
As I dance, cope, clean, explore, work, sort out, and more I'm amazed at the calm I feel. The French would say, 'apaisée.' How strange and good to be whole, solid, present. And how surreal to think of the time I spent these past two years being anything but! How could I have gotten so far from myself? How could earning a living have been so difficult? How could the stress and tension and urgency so overwhelm me? How could another's view and opinion of me have become so important?
Now, I've my weekends back, along with my general sanity and self. After those first when I wasn't certain what to do with myself, I'm now coming to revel in the quiet, the chance to weed the garden in my pjs, the chance to sleep in, to clean, to get things in order, to check on my bank accounts, to pay bills, to see friends, to go out dancing in my neighborhood (and thus to not have more than 10 minutes in the car either way). I'm pretty much getting it all done.
Oh part of me is worrying a bit about the sheer quantity of housecleaning and putting away I've got to do before the renters arrive in two weeks (countdown is beginning!). I'd like to go through all my old files and toss most of them into the recycling. Will I? I need to do my run through the house to remove all that's personal and fragile. There's the kids' things to sort through and pack up. And of course the top to toe cleaning as is done but once a year. Banish the cob webs, scrub down the shower, empty the septic (done by an outside company, not to worry, I'm not getting my own pumps or shovels out), clean the oven and the fridge and, well all those necessary things.
All the curtains come down and get cleaned and put back up. All the bedding gets re-folded and re-organized (you can imagine the state it is in after a year of pre-teens and boys to boot rummaging through it all!).
What is different this year is that I'll put my stuff at my neighbor's in his garage rather than at JP's. And, I'm moving into a small camping car on his property, which is directly across from my own. Thus, I need to bring with me the essentials for this summer -- all the food stuffs, some pots and pans, bedding, computer, printer, personal files, clothes, etc., Not all will fit into a camping van, that is sure. So??? A problem to be solved. And no doubt some cleaning of the camping van before I move into it. Just an additional element to add to the mix.
But, for the moment I'm simply contemplating and organizing in my head, not freaking out. In any case, I've three more days of touring before I can fully concentrate on all this. The key is to work methodically, steadily, and take sufficient breaks to not be a complete exhausted mess at the end of each day. I'm still learning. Work till you drop has more often been my rhythm...
However, another difference this year is that more than one friend has offered to help out -- rubber gloves in hand!
So now, rather than be a broken record over my frustrating relationship issues, I'm going to be one over the generosity of the universe... it's like a very persistent meme. When I feel something, I state it, I shout it to the world, and well, it's there.