Sorting through things

I'm taking quite a bit of time to be with myself. I suppose I'm in mourning, but also aware that I've time on my hands and in my head which I've not had in years. I'm in my own space, mistress of my self, my potential, my rhythms.

I'm listening to books on tape, reading, learning, exchanging, seeking. I've discovered Jean Houston Ph. D. and I'm reveling in her transformation of the self via the rich archetypes of myth and exploration. I'm devouring her book on Isis and Osiris now, with more to come. A rich source of intellectual stimulation, a world of myth and archeology, thought and discovery, seeking and giving, reaching out. If you're not familiar with her, she co-wrote Hillary Clinton's 'It Takes a Village.' There are many interviews with her available on ITunes, and over 25 books to open and explore. She of course has her own web site, jeanhouston.org.

I am gathering strength from hers, from her experiences, from her gifts to this world. It is inspiring to listen to and read the words of a woman so alive to her time and her world, to our world and the many many individuals and cultures within it. Amongst other things, she is very gifted at adapting her voice to include the accents of the many people who've crossed her path. A born story-teller. Thus, inspired, enriched, I take a further step forward on this confusing and not always clear path. But so did Isis... so did Odysseus. So many of us come to a time in our life of crisis, confusion and a need to simply put one step in front of the other, though the end goal is somewhere off in the distance, hidden by clouds of dust and debris.

And, I am reading and seeking on the subject of couples, of what a couple could be, of the conscious relationship (John Welgood, author of Journey of the Heart) and the possibilities for growth within a couple. Not to be neglected in all this is the reasons we are attracted to another. Whether we like it or not, it is very difficult to avoid early programming and a future relationship offered to us, chosen by us, to learn, go beyond, overcome, deal with and explore our personal histories, imprinted upon our psyches and manipulating us in so many little ways.

So, it is no surprise (apparently) that I was attracted to someone who resembled my father over and beyond being tall, slim and graceful socially., And, it follows that he shared many of the characteristics that so hurt me ages ago. Time to relive, uncover, deal with, get over, forgive and go forth. So, I offer thanks to a partner who brought these aspects of my self to light, and pushed me, somewhat painfully, to acknowledge them and respect their power over me (which I dearly hope is not permanent, but that depends upon the work I'm able to achieve on my own).

And, it is no surprise that I heard when I was apparently most in conflict with him, something along the lines of, "just like my mother..." Oh yes, I was there to bring up his issues too. Did we deal with these? I don't think we particularly succeeded. But then we were blind and innocent to these dimensions. It is scary when the wondrous part of a love affair becomes tenuous. We seek to hold onto it, and are not aware of the lessons that are pouring forth in the ever multiplying moments of conflict, confusion, frustration, fear and upset.

I've read through the French translation of Hendrick Harville's book on couples. Hmmm very dense, very intense, and very informative. Both he and John Welgood hold out the hope that through a relationship that forces light upon our darkest corners, we can work through them. However, a serious commitment is necessary, and a willingness to brave the hard parts.

As I learn, I also work to let go. I am not a being filled with anger, but with sadness. And yes, forgiveness and letting go is all part of the process of healing.

To add to the recipe, I've started a short path with a therapist skilled in PNL or NLP -- Neuro-Linguistic Programming (or reprogramming as the case might be). He also dabbles in genealogy therapy where you go back through your family tree seeking patterns that you are repeating, not necessarily of your making, but part of the package of your origins.

I'm unable to do only one thing, but pile it all one atop another. And, I'm hearing similar things from each. I am told to re-incarnate my body, to let go of my hyper-mental/intellectual bent (particularly as I've an issue with self-control and weeping). This is terribly difficult as I've always found solace in books and information. I love to learn, I am passionate about stories, I can listen, read and explore for years on end. But sit down and cry? Um, that's very very difficult.

And so, I've also been to see an osteopath (chiropractor/healer by any other name) who is rather marvelous, and who noticed that my kidneys were low, particularly that one linked to my father (surprise), but also one linked a touch to my mother (not as bad off, I assure you). She used cranio-sacral techniques to push my spirit back down through my skull into my body (interesting) and did a number of crick cracks on my neck, shoulders, sacrum and mid-back. I think she thought I might break down in her office. But that was not the case. However, I certainly departed fully aware of my body, and physically quite weary! Alas, with such work and manipulation of my being, going out dancing on Friday was just not possible.

I recount this all in a flow as I write in such a fashion, but though it might feel that I'm pouring layers and layers down, swirling them into a mix of confusion and manic energy, such is actually not the case. I am calmer and more present to the moment than I've been in a very long time. I am honest with where I am, aware of the mornings that are rather difficult, the pleasures of walking in the woods, the need to do yoga, meditate, be with dear friends, offer help and focus myself on my impending visits from clients.

Amidst all this, the kids are getting good food, lots of fresh bread, muffins, quiches and lasagna, chicken with honey, curried stews... and my car is getting the air conditioning fixed, and wine is being shipped off to be sampled in Seattle and Portland, OR. Remarkably, I'm coping really rather well.

Even in the physical realm. My kitchen floor has been stripped down and repainted (last weekend) a lovely brick red, and my garden is expanding with squash, tomatoes and melon seeds all planted before our week of daily rain storms.

But so it is for many a single mom. We cope with our emotional crises as we are able, and in coping with them, we liberate the energy necessary to care for others, go forth, advance, and stride through this life.

Girlfriends and Auto-suffisance

I find it interesting the movement and energy of the women I enjoy, care about, and spend time with. There was a time during the years before my divorce when I seemed to seek out single-divorced mothers who were coping, at times with great difficulty, seeking balance, not quite there, struggling... In French we'd say, elles galéraient. Truly, finances were rough, fathers were absent, kids were struggling with the shifting sands beneath their feet, the moms were struggling to keep it all together. And, not surprisingly a love life was a source of complication, fear, impossibility -- at times desired as a possible haven from the chaos, but rarely successfully negotiated.

I found and find these women generous, true, and strong-willed. And yet, their state of instability was and is frightening. There were times when I would observe and say, no, I don't want that in my life. How will I manage when at last I separate, move out, leap into the void of divorce and single parenthood? Their example impressed me, and terrified me.

And then I joined their ranks. I have now spent a goodly chunk of these past two years galérant, struggling, running in place, desperately trying not to sink into the morass, swimming against the current, keeping my head afloat. Choose your metaphor. Simply put, the unsettledness of it all is terrifying. There are moments of stagnation, fear, confusion and wonderment. Where am I going? Where will I land? Have I landed?

Part of me -- perhaps? -- chose this instability, this far harder route, as a means of climbing off my pedestal. I think there is a spoiled little girl in me who's still trying to prove that she has it in her to tough it out, cope on her own, manage even in difficult circumstances. Be it as it will.

Since my separation from JP this fall, I have stumbled into a different energy. Or rather, I've been received and welcomed into a different sphere. I've found women who are single, divorced, raising kids alone, and they're fine. They are in love or not, as they choose. They are coping quite ably financially. They are not struggling with the basics. They have an ease to them, a presence, une jolie auto-suffisance. This is my new key phrase.

I am entranced. This is what I seek. A lovely relationship with a man would be nice, but more and more I see it as not essential. However, self-esteem, self-sufficiency, the assurance of stability, my own ability to cope, that what I offer my kids is good and enough. That I can choose to be with a man, or not. That my life is full and generous and joyful through my own efforts. I am surprised by this moment of re-discovering values and possibilities. I've been nudged and advised to move in this direction for quite some time, and often by those same friends who have struggled so. We know that this is the goal. And yet, when freshly out of a relationship/divorce, it takes more than a little time to realize what we truly seek. How often is the idea of forming a new couple truly a mirage on the horizon of a quest for stability, calm, peace, and a sense of coming home?

I want to go from that stage of struggling and resisting to the state of grace that being okay with my situation would be. I may be able to help myself along with a bit of meditating, more active job searching, more writing, and/or the sale of the b&b in Arles... (counting my chickens before the eggs hatch -- much?). I used to believe in my own power to make things happen in my life -- back when I was young and single and childless. That belief has been shaken, but not completely crushed. Focus, knowing what I want... these intangibles have been lacking. How can the Universe give you what you want/need when you don't even know what to ask for?

And so, direct and off the cuff that I am, I have mildly interrogated my new friends. I have observed with pleasure their natural smiles, their happiness, their peace at this stage of life. Both are more than five years out of their divorces -- is timing necessary? Both have found their balance. And, thank you Universe, both accept me with smiles and amusement as I reach out and babble and query and listen, and no doubt, babble some more.

Feeling at Peace

Somehow, somewhere, some why, I'm feeling at peace. Many people have known me to be often hyper, often a bit distracted, and often deeply affected by swaying feelings and sentiments. I can be frazzled, toss and turn all night, you name it. For those of you who've read my more personal posts, I would think this comes across... just a bit? So, what a relief, and what a pleasure, to be well, calm, and coping.

Why? Who only knows. My kids are doing well, that's a blessing. Even as they shift and change, I can see where we've a clear understanding, where I've earned their respect and that they are sure of me. We have our rhythms, and into these we three welcome others. It works.

But I am also in a clearly more accepting state of mind. I've put aside my frustrations of last year, my sense of schizophrenia, my efforts to find a way to blend together my weekend life and my week life, i.e. my life with the vintner and my life with my children. The root causes that so disturbed me are still there: I live two lives, I'm alone raising my kids, and though he says he likes children in general, he doesn't much care for mine. These are all serious issues that are still present. And yet, for the moment, I'm able to simply enjoy what is good -- someone is tender, gentle, present and attentive to me over my weekends; my kids and I are doing well under my roof -- and temporarily let be what so upset me last year. There is a clear sense that what I'm living is ephemeral. But it has its virtues. It is pretty clear that the day I take it upon myself to choose more in my life--joint projects, finding someone who will love my children as well as me--I'll be free to do so. My vintner is a very lovely individual, and very good to me, but no, he'll never be a foster parent to my kids, nor is there truly space in his world for there to be an us that goes forth as a unit to create and build.

It's been a very intense few years. Not only in the area of sentiment and relationships, but also financially. I feel that there must be a parallel universe out there where my father left me an inheritance, and/or another one where the b&b sold easily. Somehow, two major events have converged to leave me rather short of funds, that might have, in all justice, been expected and considered reasonably mine to help me on my way in this life. But no. It was not to be. My karma is to make it on my own, at least for now. It's almost absurdly amusing and contrary. But if this is the way of it, I shall most definitely make the best of my particular hand of cards (and mix metaphors by the minute!).

I've received an extra nudge to be careful about resources, to conserve energy, to cook and bake from scratch for the kids, to explore a kitchen garden, to limit my time in the car, and to convey these values to my boys. Not such a bad thing, eh? As I keep telling myself: I've still got my house, and my banker has yet to make a personal phone call with bad news. So, by all means, let's look on the bright side. And bright it is. We are all in good health, my car hasn't broken down (touch wood), and I've managed to find odd jobs here and there so far to keep me afloat. It could be so very much worse.

Thank you Universe for this gift of peace, for moments of calm, and for nourishing friendships, opening doors and new perspectives.

Filou and one of his best friends, Bonzo.