T'is been a while

I am fully in my life these days. Free time to write seems out of my grasp. I have been working intensely throughout the early part of this month -- touring, animating wine tastings, hiking the Luberon, biking the Alpilles. And then once more a visit to the clinic for an operation (same as earlier this year). Once more a day of being completely out and zonked and taking time to recover, yet working the while. And then, down. Late mornings, but still rendezvous, meetings, errands, a lovely evening of friends in my camping garden.

And so I come back to the written word. So much as flowed through me. Where do I start? I've quite a few ideas to pursue, themes to discuss. I'll get to them.

I am reading, The Secret Life of France -- an interesting book by yet another anglo-saxon who has married French. However, her life is quite other than mine as she married wealthy and upper class in Paris, a world I've only barely visited. Her experiences differ quite a bit from mine. I will get into these in future blogs.

I am listening and following an internet seminar for women, "Feminine Power" The essential course for the awakening woman. It is wonderful. At this point I've only been able to download the sessions and discussions after the fact as the timing of the phone calls is difficult for me to manage. But I find them nourishing, inspiring, and focusing. What is feminine power? I'll share more on this in a blog.

I've had visitors to my camp site, in particular the 16 year old daughter of a dear friend from Boston. I'm the kooky Aunt Mame to her more reserved family. With me, we discuss pretty lingerie, bras available on this and that side of the Atlantic, fashion choices, class and crass.

And I've been dancing. Yes, tango is still a lovely part of my life. I'm going out and dancing with many a cavalier. I am reaching out, linking eyes and inviting men to dance. We do our tanga of 4 and then I float on to another, or I'm invited. I am braver, stronger, more assured -- even when I catch a glimpse of a certain person. The desire to be fully me, to take back my power, to revel in who, what, where I am... it is stronger than the disorientation of this life as a single woman slightly at odds in the South of France.

And, I'm being with dear friends. New ones (from my blog! a meeting in my part of the world with one of you who've been following me), and old ones, ones who've become closer and dearer. It is magical. The universe is being generous.

Sorting through things

I'm taking quite a bit of time to be with myself. I suppose I'm in mourning, but also aware that I've time on my hands and in my head which I've not had in years. I'm in my own space, mistress of my self, my potential, my rhythms.

I'm listening to books on tape, reading, learning, exchanging, seeking. I've discovered Jean Houston Ph. D. and I'm reveling in her transformation of the self via the rich archetypes of myth and exploration. I'm devouring her book on Isis and Osiris now, with more to come. A rich source of intellectual stimulation, a world of myth and archeology, thought and discovery, seeking and giving, reaching out. If you're not familiar with her, she co-wrote Hillary Clinton's 'It Takes a Village.' There are many interviews with her available on ITunes, and over 25 books to open and explore. She of course has her own web site, jeanhouston.org.

I am gathering strength from hers, from her experiences, from her gifts to this world. It is inspiring to listen to and read the words of a woman so alive to her time and her world, to our world and the many many individuals and cultures within it. Amongst other things, she is very gifted at adapting her voice to include the accents of the many people who've crossed her path. A born story-teller. Thus, inspired, enriched, I take a further step forward on this confusing and not always clear path. But so did Isis... so did Odysseus. So many of us come to a time in our life of crisis, confusion and a need to simply put one step in front of the other, though the end goal is somewhere off in the distance, hidden by clouds of dust and debris.

And, I am reading and seeking on the subject of couples, of what a couple could be, of the conscious relationship (John Welgood, author of Journey of the Heart) and the possibilities for growth within a couple. Not to be neglected in all this is the reasons we are attracted to another. Whether we like it or not, it is very difficult to avoid early programming and a future relationship offered to us, chosen by us, to learn, go beyond, overcome, deal with and explore our personal histories, imprinted upon our psyches and manipulating us in so many little ways.

So, it is no surprise (apparently) that I was attracted to someone who resembled my father over and beyond being tall, slim and graceful socially., And, it follows that he shared many of the characteristics that so hurt me ages ago. Time to relive, uncover, deal with, get over, forgive and go forth. So, I offer thanks to a partner who brought these aspects of my self to light, and pushed me, somewhat painfully, to acknowledge them and respect their power over me (which I dearly hope is not permanent, but that depends upon the work I'm able to achieve on my own).

And, it is no surprise that I heard when I was apparently most in conflict with him, something along the lines of, "just like my mother..." Oh yes, I was there to bring up his issues too. Did we deal with these? I don't think we particularly succeeded. But then we were blind and innocent to these dimensions. It is scary when the wondrous part of a love affair becomes tenuous. We seek to hold onto it, and are not aware of the lessons that are pouring forth in the ever multiplying moments of conflict, confusion, frustration, fear and upset.

I've read through the French translation of Hendrick Harville's book on couples. Hmmm very dense, very intense, and very informative. Both he and John Welgood hold out the hope that through a relationship that forces light upon our darkest corners, we can work through them. However, a serious commitment is necessary, and a willingness to brave the hard parts.

As I learn, I also work to let go. I am not a being filled with anger, but with sadness. And yes, forgiveness and letting go is all part of the process of healing.

To add to the recipe, I've started a short path with a therapist skilled in PNL or NLP -- Neuro-Linguistic Programming (or reprogramming as the case might be). He also dabbles in genealogy therapy where you go back through your family tree seeking patterns that you are repeating, not necessarily of your making, but part of the package of your origins.

I'm unable to do only one thing, but pile it all one atop another. And, I'm hearing similar things from each. I am told to re-incarnate my body, to let go of my hyper-mental/intellectual bent (particularly as I've an issue with self-control and weeping). This is terribly difficult as I've always found solace in books and information. I love to learn, I am passionate about stories, I can listen, read and explore for years on end. But sit down and cry? Um, that's very very difficult.

And so, I've also been to see an osteopath (chiropractor/healer by any other name) who is rather marvelous, and who noticed that my kidneys were low, particularly that one linked to my father (surprise), but also one linked a touch to my mother (not as bad off, I assure you). She used cranio-sacral techniques to push my spirit back down through my skull into my body (interesting) and did a number of crick cracks on my neck, shoulders, sacrum and mid-back. I think she thought I might break down in her office. But that was not the case. However, I certainly departed fully aware of my body, and physically quite weary! Alas, with such work and manipulation of my being, going out dancing on Friday was just not possible.

I recount this all in a flow as I write in such a fashion, but though it might feel that I'm pouring layers and layers down, swirling them into a mix of confusion and manic energy, such is actually not the case. I am calmer and more present to the moment than I've been in a very long time. I am honest with where I am, aware of the mornings that are rather difficult, the pleasures of walking in the woods, the need to do yoga, meditate, be with dear friends, offer help and focus myself on my impending visits from clients.

Amidst all this, the kids are getting good food, lots of fresh bread, muffins, quiches and lasagna, chicken with honey, curried stews... and my car is getting the air conditioning fixed, and wine is being shipped off to be sampled in Seattle and Portland, OR. Remarkably, I'm coping really rather well.

Even in the physical realm. My kitchen floor has been stripped down and repainted (last weekend) a lovely brick red, and my garden is expanding with squash, tomatoes and melon seeds all planted before our week of daily rain storms.

But so it is for many a single mom. We cope with our emotional crises as we are able, and in coping with them, we liberate the energy necessary to care for others, go forth, advance, and stride through this life.

If you're in need of a hospital in Avignon...

Well, I'm home and my minimal intervention (a conisation of the cervix) is done and over. Time now to teste what they removed, and simply keep an eye on things to see whether more abnormal cells appear or not. Patience... Perhaps also a time to visit my friend the healer and seer. A truly amazing woman. She is perhaps one of the major reasons Jonas has no scars from a vicious burn he received when he was about five.

However, I wanted to praise the Clinique Urbain V in Avignon, the private hospital in Avignon. All paper work went smoothly.Signing in and getting a room was easy, the nurses were attentive, good-humored, at times downright funny (telling jokes as they wheel you to the bloque). The meal after the surgery was a bit spartan (a slice of ham, a pat of butter, a small chunk of baguettish bread, some camembert, peach purée/compôte and a super sweet hot chocolate with milk.

As in all good hospitals I assume, one is constantly asked one's name, why you're there and who your doctor is -- safety measures that are quite appreciated, or perhaps simply sanity tests? And, just before the anaesthesiste comes to knock you out, there's my doctor with her smiling face, reassuring me that she is present and she'll be handling my procedure. It's a small thing, but it is nice to be conscious all the way to the operating room, to be greeted personally by your doctor and thus be reassured that all is well and as it should be.

I woke up just thirty minutes after I went under (those large clocks on the wall are easy to read even for a blindman like myself!) in the salle de réanimation. A couple nurses were calmly going about their business and quickly noted my open eyes and came to check with me, how I felt, whether I had any pain, etc.,

Within twenty minutes of my emerging from complete grogginess my doctor was there to reassure me that all had gone well, and she'd removed the offensive lesion of cells.

Then, back to my own room which I shared with a very pleasant woman operated on by my same doctor. We lay there, a bit out of it, and slowly returned to this universe.

The above-mentioned snack, a quick peepee, and a bit more patience (four hours from wake up to departure from the hospital minimum). And then, JP there to carry my things and steady me, off into the night I went.

So, be reassured as to the pleasantness, the efficiency, the quality of care, and the attentiveness possible and present in French hospitals. Perhaps we're particularly lucky in Avignon. Perhaps the team of nurses and doctors are particularly tight-knit, content with their jobs and competent, but, I think you'll find people like this elsewhere too.

Thank you French Healthcare

Yet again, I am and will be in debt to the French healthcare system. It has been not quite a year now since I first had an abnormal pap smear. From that day through to a snipping and biopsy to the surgery that removed the lesion of cells, barely three months passed. And, in my currently financially challenged state, I did not pay a centîme.

It is now six months later, and I've had two subsequent visits to the doctor, and another abnormal pap smear. This one is a bit more dubious, and might mean there are further areas out of sight and reach of a pap smear that are activating. My doctor contacted me immediately. I had a rdv in her office two days after I called. And not ten days later I'll have the less invasive of the two options she proposed.

I face now the choice of a pre-emptive hysterectomy, including the ovaries as there is a history of ovarian cancer in my family, or to choose the lesser option of removing what is visible plus a chunk and keeping a close eye on the rest.

My choice is personal, moral, physical, and not based on money and access. This is rather incredible. I am free to be freaked out at the idea that I might be harboring what could develop into a cancer. I have the option of choosing one intervention and following it up shortly with the more drastic choice. I have a present, bright, and competent doctor who is reactive, proactive and patient. Her schedule and the hospital can take me in. Whatever care I choose and need I will get. And, in my current economic position, I won't even have the minimal co-pay to handle (which would be a max of about 200E for the simple operation, and no doubt a bit more for the more dramatic one).

So yes, I don't like the thought of losing my interior organs at the age of 43. I don't like the thought of being on hormone replacement therapy till I choose (at a later age) to go through menopause. But, I have the option to deal with these personal feelings and worries. The care is there. I will be provided for. I'm not in the midst of going, "Shit! no job, no insurance and thus who and how to pay for such an invasive procedure?!"

If I were actually living in the States, I'd be royally screwed right now. Yes, I've family that would come through for me. I wouldn't be left without help and care. But, that would cause hardship and take funds away from other possibilities.

I have options. I have choices. I am just unbelievably lucky to be living in France right now. I simply need to decide on a when that coincides with free time on the part of friends and others who could help out while I'm following doctor's orders to take it easy.