Saturday, February 20, 2010

Back to Normal

You know life is getting back to normal when your kids are throwing slippers at each other in the kitchen, your dog has his favorite toy (a formerly lovely stuffed wolf), quiche is in the oven, salad on the table, wood burning in the stove. Yes, this is relative normalcy.

These past two weeks weren't. The kids were with their dad -- something that always throws me, much as it can also be a relief. And I was on my own. JP was off to Bolivia and I did my thing of going to friend to friend, to help on the house renovations at Martine's, to share a meal with Mireille, to spend the night and watch films with P. Had the weather not been miserable -- fiercely cold winds that rendered my house impossible to heat, pouring rain -- I would have been in my garden, but, with such a world outside my door, I headed out to alternate spaces.

I also did what I suppose is less than normal in that I wanted direction. Talking to girlfriends helps with that, right? So, I started off with Monica and a reading of my cards. According to her, it's quite clear that this winter has been pretty hard for me, but, that perhaps around Easter things would get better. She also read that perhaps I'd meet someone else this summer (one can always hope) and that in general projects and plans will become loosened and move if not towards fruition, at least in a more positive direction.

Then, P did my astrological chart in depth. We corrected my time of birth from just after midnight to 11pm which does rather change everything. Taurus sun and Capricorn rising (rather than Aquarius). Hmmm. She saw elements about my parents, elements about my education, what I've done, and where I'm going. And most importantly, a level of being true to myself. Apparently there's a clear reason for my shift from work/career/shining in the spotlight to my preference for being with my boys, baking bread, tending the hearth, the garden, my friendships... I shan't be the career woman my mother was and my sister still is, I'm far more focused inwards. I tried. Coming from my family of over-achievers one can't help but do so. But somewhere along the line I was derailed, or I hopped off the treadmill... choose your metaphor.

Only problem of course is coping financially in all this. But that too will sort itself out. I've a few more translations to work through, possibilities of others, and suggestions for getting a more active teaching gig going. All these being jobs that don't stress too much, and which don't involve me heart and soul. I would never have thought that would please me, but right now... Yes.

Amidst all this soul-searching, questing and more I made the decision to remove all my belongings from a certain winery. Yup. That which was put in motion this fall, then stopped, then started, is off again. And friends are sending me to read many a self-help book by Carolyn Myss (re: self esteem), Richard Moss, The Mandala of Being, and other useful tomes to get my head and heart back in me, stronger, clearer.

Of course it isn't all settled as yet. I return tomorrow to said winery to receive two US importers and to talk. Though the latter is something I dread. Haven't we said it all a thousand times now? It will likely be all the same old things all over again, and truly, hearing that I'm not loved enough to invest further, that my requests are too much, etc., etc., I'm not sure I really am up for it. But hey, I've rarely run away from a trying discussion. More likely to run right into it. So I'll be there, perhaps without bells on my toes, but standing straight, eyes mostly clear.


Zuleme said...

best wishes and luck with all of it.....

Madeleine Vedel said...

thank you! -